The Fear

Aside

It’s nighttime. It’s here again. That hard, swirling knot in my chest, tying itself up and up again in endless ways, and me along with it.

The panic, the fear, the guilt. Panic of so much to do. Fearing it won’t, it can’t get done. The guilt at not having done more already.

It hurts, almost. I retreat into my head, trapped in an endless cycle of fear, forceful calm, then hopelessness. My heart is beating fast.

How do you stop it? What makes it go away? I’ve felt it before, many times, but I can’t remember just how and why it ends. I’ve a terrible feeling it’s just… Giving in. Stopping caring so much. How many times can I give in a little and let go, stop worrying, and still produce worthwhile work? How many times can this happen before I give up?

Reading this over in the cold light of day, it seems so dramatic. It’s just a PhD, just a thesis, just one document. How can it cause this much grief? Those who haven’t been through a PhD or similar may not understand – hell, even I don’t really understand. And those who are tough and organised and smart and confident (do these people even exist?) may not relate, either.

It’s subsided now. I feel almost silly for having felt that way, having written those words. Sort of ashamed.

But it’ll come back. And with deadlines looming, I know it’ll get worse before it gets better. I know I can hold on until the end. Push through, get it done. But will ‘it’ be enough? I guess only time will tell.


Also see: Taming Monsters & Fears of Failure 

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A little update for the start of 2015

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Just wanted to write a post to say thanks to my followers who are continuing to follow me even though my posing has been, shall we say, irregular! I’ve had a mad few months on my internship at The Royal Institution, working on the CHRISTMAS LECTURES, so have found it difficult to find the time to write. Sorry about that!

I’ll be writing a full post on my experiences at the Ri when my internship comes to an end in a couple of weeks’ time. Then, I’ll be plunging straight back into PhD-land, and I aim to post more regularly on interesting spider and robotics stuff!

Thanks for hanging on in there and I promise I’ll write more soon. For now, you can watch the CHRISTMAS LECTURES on BBC iPlayer here. Enjoy!

Best Abstract Ever

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This is just.. amazing. So wish I was allowed to do this, would have saved tons of time in my undergrad…

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 22.02.35

Original paper available here.

I found this via io9.com here.